Salt Lake City, Utah
Tuesday, January 4, 1994:
Sometimes I get to feeling so overwhelmed.
I feel like I have so much to do that there is no way I’ll be able to do everything that I need to.
I wish I knew how to combat those feelings.
I always seem to make it through the day to the next.
I guess being overwhelmed is not deadly.
I saw Elizabeth today for a few hours.
(She’s my girlfriend.)
We went and watched “Bambi.”
I like that movie a lot because it makes me think so much about what’s important in life.
She told me she wasn’t happy.
I’m trying to understand what that means.
I sent her some flowers.
Wednesday, January 5, 1994:
Why do I have so many bills?
I really need to figure out a way to lower my fixed costs.
The only thing I can think of is to pay off my car.
That would be a huge help.
I just wish I knew where I could get a couple thousand dollars.
I’m really looking forward to running in the Boston Marathon.
I need to find a sponsor because I don’t have the money to get out there.
I don’t know where I’ll find enough money to support my running habit.
I had a great workout tonight.
I think I got a lot of energy from Izzy (Elizabeth).
I tried to talk to her today, but she was very abrupt with me and didn’t want to talk.
Maybe I’m being too serious with her.
I think I need to give her some time to think without interference from me.
I’ll try not calling her for a few days, see what happens.
I saw the sunset while I was running today.
I love the sunset.
I wish I could sit down and watch more of them.
Maybe I will.
Thursday, January 6, 1994:
While I was running yesterday, I ran by this Presbyterian [sic., Congregational] Church on 13 E. & 600 So.
In front of the church was a quote board that said, “We will never move toward the divine by ignoring the human.” — William Lynch.
I’ve given this a lot of thought last night and all of today.
I really believe that this is a true statement.
I’ve been trying to improve myself and have felt the need to concentrate on my body and the things that I do with, and to it.
I really need to take care of my body more.
The things that I put into it need to be more natural and better for me.
I believe the above statement has a lot to do with how we trust others.
If we ignore the homeless, helpless, down-trodden, sick, afflicted, etc., then how can we move closer to God?
How will we become friends with God unless we do what he wants us to do?
I don’t mean just what we read about in the scripture, but I mean a lot He tells us when He talks to us in our heart.
Friday, January 7, 1994:
I wanted to go skiing today, but the people I was going with bailed on me and I decided I didn’t have $30 to spend on a day of skiing.
I sometimes will have a whole day off from school and work and so I think, “Yes, I’ve got nine hours that I can study today!”
Of course, I don’t study for that long.
Today was one of those days — I slept in.
I tried to study — read all day, but I kept falling asleep and getting distracted.
I haven’t talked to Izzy for a few days.
I didn’t go out with her today or wait, I did speak to her for a couple minutes.
I said, “Let me know when you want to go do something”
She said in response, “Oh, I’ll let you know” and she was so serious about it, as if to say, “don’t call me, I’ll call you.”
I think that’s what I’m going to do.
I think I need to let her alone for a few days and see what happens.
Sunday, January 9, 1994:
Today was a hectic day.
I felt like everything was going on and I didn’t have very much control over it.
I’m an Elders Quorum President in my ward, so my Sundays are usually very busy with organizing and helping people.
I was just thinking about this friend of mine and about the turmoil she is going through right now.
I think it’s sad to go through that kind of stuff, but she seems to be getting stronger.
She seems to be able to withstand more now than before.
I think that that is interesting, the way she is developing a more mature outlook on life and such.
That’s all.
Monday, January 10, 1994:
I think that I work too much.
I wish I could go to school without having to work 30 hours a week just to get by.
I work practically every day, but I still can barely even pay my bills.
I wish I knew a way.
I haven’t seen or spoken to Izzy for three days.
I hate it.
I really feel like I need to see her, but I also feel like I can’t.
I really need to hold her and feel her; I love to bond with her.
Sometimes we read together; I really like that.
Why is it that we have to play these stupid games?
I really want it to work between us, but I don’t know how I can make it work better.
I feel like I need to leave it to her, but I don’t want to.
I want to have control over our destiny; I hate being out of control.
Wednesday, January 12, 1994:
Today I worked up at Pres. Smith’s house [president of the University of Utah]; they hosted a little party for Civil Rights Day.
Those guys have parties up there all the time.
I wonder if my tuition pays for that kind of stuff and is that why our tuition keeps going up.
I’m so tired; I work too hard.
It’s Thursday now; my roommate just told me.
He talked to Izzy yesterday; it sounded like he talked to her for a while (they are pretty good friends).
I haven’t talked to her since last week, I’m talking, “five days.”
She told him about how she was feeling.
I told him I didn’t want to know.
I would much rather hear about it from her.
I wish I could salvage this relationship — I love her.
But, I’m afraid it takes two to tango.
This always happens to me.
I HATE THIS: I find someone I love, they return that love for a little while, then they always cut it off, throw it away and leave me in the gutter.
I hate it.
Why can’t I find someone to love me?
Perhaps it’s not my time yet.
Why are girls so bizarre?
Why can’t I understand them better?
Boy, I can’t wait to talk to her; one of my favorite things: breaking up with your girlfriend.
My favorite.
I hate this.
Good 13 January.
Friday, January 14, 1994:
Whenever I pay my rent (me, $100), I remember what a terrible financial situation I’m in.
I don.t think it’s really that terrible; it just feels that way.
I’m going to school, I have a car; I don’t know why I’m complaining about not having any money.
I’ve got a good job; I should count my blessings.
Well, it’s firmly over between Izzy and I.
We finally had that little talk when you say, “See ya; have a nice life.”
It was really hard; I didn’t like it at all.
I don’t like breaking up.
I feel a little bit relieved, only that I don’t have to wonder any more.
Now I know I don’t have to think there’s still a chance.
I don’t understand why she’s not happy with me.
She says she loves me, tells me how awesome I am, but she’s just not happy.
I don’t get it.
Saturday, January 15, 1994:
I’m having a hard time forgetting about Izzy.
I don’t imagine I’ll ever forget about her, but I need to get her off my mind.
I went running this morning and really enjoyed it.
I wish I didn’t have to work so much.
I’d have time for running and school, and rock climbing and everything else I want to do.
I feel trapped.
I feel like I’m always doing those things I have to do and forfeiting those things I want to do.
Why does it have to be that way or why can’t I just do it all?
Wednesday, January 19, 1994:
All I ever do is work.
I’ve got to take some time to play.
Maybe I need to be more organized.
I don’t know if that would help; I imagine it might.
If I only had more time.
I find myself saying that a lot.
I’ve got to stop feeling sorry for myself and just do what needs to be done.
I had a conference with Hunicutt today.
(You might be wondering where these last two entries came from.)
I really think he (you) are a neat individual.
One thing I like is his (your) ability to care for others.
He’s (You’re) really genuine.
I’m learning to think more deeply about different things.
I’m learning to not be so shallow.
I really like growing in maturity, but I still want to be a little kid.
I love to play, but I don’t feel like I’m getting the chance to do that.
Friday, January 21, 1994:
I was going to go skiing today, but it didn’t work out.
I felt like I had to do all this homework.
I’ve got a big test on Monday that I’m kind-of worried about.
I really need to study for it.
I got a little caught up in that finance class, but I’ve got to do a lot more.
I told my friends that I couldn’t go skiing because I needed to study.
Then, when I go to study at my house, I just get distracted.
I’ve got to be more disciplined.
I need to force myself to do this studying.
I really want to do well in my conscious, but I guess my subconscious doesn’t want to very much.
I don’t know how to control my subconscious.
I don’t suppose I ever will, though maybe.
Sunday, January 23, 1994:
I don’t even remember being this tired in my life.
I feel drained, utterly and fully drained.
I wonder if sleep will even be able to help.
This whole day has been great; I’ve really enjoyed it.
It’s been spiritually draining.
I need some serious help in feeling better, more alive.
Where’s that energy I need so much?
Monday, January 24, 1994:
I slept in today; I had this great plan.
I was going to wake up early and study for my exam and my quizes, but instead I slept right through to 9:00 and missed my quizzes and didn’t have time to study for my exam.
I went to take the exam; I failed it.
I might as well not have taken it; I would have got the same score.
I didn’t even have time to do anything between school and work.
I’m hat’n it; I really need some help.
I’ve got to learn how to have better sleep habits.
I’ve got to stop staying up late.
Now, if I had a girlfriend and stayed up late, I probably wouldn’t be complaining about that.
I’m getting really sick of my job now too; it’s not really that fun anymore.
I feel like my whole life is being turned upside down.
I wish I knew what was going on.
I wish I knew how to turn it right side up again.
I think it might be good for me to take some time off school and just exercise [marginal note: Yes].
I’d love to take a break and find the time to run a lot and go to Hawaii and do an Ironman Triathalon.
Why must I feel like I have so much responsibility [that] it’s taking away from what I really want to do.
I feel just like George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life,” when he said to Mary, “I wanna do what I wanna do.”
Tuesday, January 25, 1994:
I had another one of those days that I think I’ll wake up really early and study before class, but instead I just slept right in.
I was going to spend a long time in the computer center and do some work for the Church this evening.
Instead I slept in and had to do the computer work after school, which took me seven hours, so I didn’t have time to make my visits for my Church work.
It kind-of made me feel bad that I didn’t have time to do the work that I feel is the most important.
There must be something I can do to fix everything in that a need and want to do; I’ve got to find a way.
This has been my lament for the last several days and I don’t know how much longer.
But, I hope that I will get over it.
By getting over it I think I can figure it out — actually decide what I want and do it.
That’s what I hope to accomplish.
Thursday, January 27, 1994:
[double-spaced]
WEST
The wild, wild west has always intrigued me.
I’ve always had a facination with American history.
I’ve often thought about the West and what I might have been like if I lived back then.
Would I be a gunslinger?
I don’t think so.
I might be a pioneer.
I’d live on a ranch, have my homestead.
I’d be close to the mountains, maybe even a trapper.
When we think of the West, what do we think about?
I usually think of the movies I’ve seen about the West or set in the West.
What about those histories that aren’t told?
The history of back-alley ways, the history of garbage, the history of a tin can.
I doubt if these histories are written, or even ever will be.
It’s just a little too superficial to be thinking about that.
I’ll just stick to the homestead in the Colorado mountains.
Tuesday, February 1, 1994:
Yesterday I had a really hard day at work and didn’t get back until late, then stayed up talking to my roommate and the friend of mine (Vicki Robison).
This morning I tried to wake up, but wasn’t able to.
I woke up about three times during the morning, but finally woke up at about 1:00 p.m.
I couldn’t believe I could be so tired and unmotivated to get out of bed.
After I got up this afternoon, I went for a six-mile jog.
Then, when I got back, I ate, then slept again, woke up, read a little, then slept.
If today is any indication of my attitude or determination for life, I’m starting to get real worried.
Lately (the last few weeks) I just haven’t had the drive that I’ve had in the past.
By “drive” I mean I used to have a radiance about me.
I knew what I wanted out of life; I knew where I was going, what the end result was that I wanted out of life.
Now I’m not so sure anymore; I don’t know which way I’m going.
I think I know which end is up still.
I feel solid, to some degree, spiritually.
I need something more; I need some real direction.
I need some goals to be defined — well-defined goals, that’s what I need.
I need a regimented training schedule for my running.
I need to feel like I’m improving myself.
Wednesday, February 2, 1994:
I actually woke up for my classes today; not that it mattered much, I was falling asleep in them.
I had the day off work.
I always love it when I have the day off; I feel like I’ll have all this time and I can do all this studying, so I plan to accomplish tons.
Normally I spend my time procrastinating and don’t get anything done.
But today I only procrastinated until about 6:00 this evening then went to the library and studied.
I’m so glad that I went there to study.
I even saw my brother down there, got to talk to him; that was good.
I really like it when I wake up and am able to have a productive day; I feel like something is getting accomplished.
I especially like it when I get to go running, because I enjoy that the most.
Today I had a really good run.
I ran up by the zoo, then along Wasatch Blvd.
When I run it seems that my awareness of the things around me picks up.
I like to concentrate on running: breathing, foot placement, head tilt, etc.
But, I can’t help but be more aware of what’s going on peripherally: the smell of the giraffes or elephants, whatever they are, I don’t know.
I don’t think I like running in the wind that much; it’s hard.
Thursday, February 3, 1994:
I have enjoyed my Yoga class for several different reasons that I can think of.
I feel like it is helping me to become more aware of my body.
I can sense a difference when I do yoga and when I don’t.
I haven’t been consistant at all with it at home.
That will be something to work out.
I can feel a difference on Tuesday and Thursday, when we do yoga things, my body feels relaxed — at least more so than on other days.
My spine seems to be getting longer.
Whenever I start to hunch over or bend the wrong way, I can feel it and am aware of the displacement, so I straighten and elongate my back.
I especially enjoyed having music there (in class) playing in the background.
It seems to help me to feel relaxed more.
I used to think that I had some problems with my body and I was way out of balance, but I don’t any more.
I still think that I’m out of balance and not where I want (or need) to be, but that’s not wrong.
That’s how it is.
I’m not accepting it, because I feel I need to do better.
But, at least I realize it’s not wrong — it, how I am.
Friday, February 4, 1994:
I sure had a lot of plans for this day off from classes, but did I get it done? No.
I slept in again and missed out on some time in the morning to work on my accounting assignment.
So, I didn’t finish and who knows when I’ll get it done.
I think I’ll call in sick tomorrow for work to give me the time I need to finish my assignment.
For all the time I’ve worked down there at the Marriott, I’ve always given them of myself.
And all I’ve got from them is my wage.
Though some people have been quite good to me and helped me a lot, I feel like I’m always giving to that company, but not getting anything back.
I’ve worked there for five years, ever since high school.
Sometimes I think that I’m indispensable or irreplaceable.
Although I’m sure they couldn’t get another Geoff, I’m not that great, though I like to think I am.
I think I’ve got a big head; I’m always thinking I’m so great.
I ought to realize that I’m not.
I’m a nice guy, but I’m not perfect.
Why am I so vain and proud?
I want to be humble, but I don’t know how.
On the surface — what people see — I portray myself that way, the way I want to be.
But, what am I like really?
What is inside me waiting to come out and why can’t I portray myself in a way that I won’t be scared of what others think?
Someday I think probably [I’ll] figure it all out.
Who knows?!
Monday, February 7, 1994:
I had a most interesting weekend; I don’t ever remember doing anything like it.
I had a lot of fun.
I finished up my accounting project on Saturday morning.
I felt so relieved, so I went running for a while — probably 10 miles.
After that I showered really quick and then went over to my friend’s house and watched the basketball game together.
I’ve liked this girl for sometime now, but I never really realized why or how much.
I took her over here to my house and cooked her dinner and hung out.
I really enjoyed her company.
I enjoyed talking to her and being with her.
I’m not in love, but I think she’s really cool.
We stayed up talking and such for the rest of the night.
We spent some hours in each others arms.
I really enjoyed it; it was fun.
In the morning it was time to go to church and I was so tired; I couldn’t believe it.
I don’t think I’ve pulled an all-nighter for a long time — probably five or six years.
I don’t feel bad about it; I feel good.
But anyone I tell is shocked; they’re like, “That’s wrong!” or whatever.
I hate how I have to have this facade; we can’t just be ourselves.
I have to look out for my reputation and such.
I wish I didn’t have to worry about all that crap.
continued.
I’ve just spent the last several minutes watching the most interesting man.
I see him outside my window every day that I study in the morning.
I don’t know exactly what his job is, but he’s always cleaning the same places.
One week I watched him sweep the same piece of sidewalk every day.
I’m sure he works for the University, but what is his purpose?
I don’t think he really has one, though I’m not sure.
I wanted to write more about my weekend, but I felt like I was destroying my experience, so I’ve stopped.
Tuesday, February 8, 1994:
As I’ve thought about a research paper that I need to do for this class I’ve wanted to do something a little different, though I am having a hard time thinking of what a subject could be.
A general topic that has always interested me is the homeless situation.
A friend of my roommate’s came to my door the other week and she was homeless.
She had two children and a divorce with no place to go.
Homeless children? or the effects of homelessness on children ages 4–5 or 3–7 or something like that.
Or, how children see the world; a homeless perspective.
A child’s view of life without a home.
There’s that man again.
He has a shovel and is clearing the grass, about ½ foot from the sidewalk, of snow.
He’s just finding things to do.
That is so interesting.
Wednesday, February 9, 1994:
I want to be a world class runner; it’s eating me alive.
Yesterday I met Alvaro Palacios, a real live world class runner.
He said I could train with him; he’ll give me some advice and training tips, etc.
I totally can’t wait; he’ll be calling me this weekend and we’ll go running next week, maybe do some speed drills or something.
By the time I’m 27 I want to be winning marathons, not just running them.
Tuesday, February 15, 1994:
Research paper subject
Homeless children and the affects of homelessness on their education process.
Interviews with children — parents — teachers of homeless children
Newspaper articles: magazines, journals, periodicals
Historical texts such as Dickens
